the place where a star used to be.

What a huge mess it turned out to be. I've always thought I was the only one feeling it, and thank GOD am not. It's so frustrating. ALL of these are unnecessary and uncalled for. Things had been going on well before. *sighs

I've been putting up alot, and I can only take in so much. I'm dreading work. And it sucks, big time. I love my job. Frankly, I do not know how long more I can endure the shits.

The greater the power, the greater the responsibilities are.

Its another challenge, I guess.

-_-

On another note.

I understand the allure: You're combing through junk mail and suddenly you're pre-approved. Imagine that -- I'm ... approved! The next thing I know I'm $hundreds in the hole and wondering how the heck I got there. It can be super tempting to apply for all those store credit cards with their promises of discounted swag. In an ideal world, I wouldn't carry any cards. In reality, one is definitely enough.

I've been lax about my payments. I've gotta stay on top of it before I get blasted. And taking cash advances, the interest rates are sky high and service fees are tacked on -- it's basically one big mess!

I need to stop spending and start saving. This will be my NY resolution, hopefully.

solitude, singing a lullaby.

Away.

Run away.

Running away.
I am unable to decipher much emotions right now. All I want to do is run and not look back. Scream, till my voice go hoarse.

I hope, and reverently hope.

And hope.

And endlessly hope.

Only to have my hopes thwarted. Only to see the futility of it. Only to stop short and fall flat on my face. Only to welcome nothing but confounding disappointment with open arms. Apparently, I should be relatively immune to this by now. The heart quails from the disillusionment.

The heart and the mind exhange quick and deadly parries. Yet the heart always emerge victorious, though not unscathed. And so the vicious cycle continues. I've resigned myself to the perpetual need to hope.

I'm letting the chips fall where it may.

-_-

And now.

Lo and behold.

Looking forward to 2009.

X

The tsunami of jumbled and asinine thoughts crashing in my head. The incapability to control my emotions. I sense the sweeping grand entrance of the infamous PMS looming ahead.

X

You'd Answer Me, The Night Is Wonderful.

True love is felonious. You take someone's breath away. You rob them of the ability to utter a single a word. You steal a heart. Any judge would toss that case out on its ass. You'd be surprised. Once you're in, its for life.

I have always been eminently curious. If you listen to enough infomercials you start to believe some crazy things: Brazilian honey can be used for leg wax, that knives can cut metal, that the power of positive thinking can work like a pair of wings to get you what you need to be. Thanks to a little bout of insomnia and way too many doses of NJPPK, I decided one day to force myself into imagining what it would be like after marriage. That way, when it happened, I'd be ready.

I kept at it for weeks. It is harder than you think to keep yourself in the future. My way of dealing this was to pretend I am already married. It could be to my current boyfriend, or to any blank face I see myself with. Bottom line, its pretense. I am convinced that there is a censor sitting on my brain with a red stamp, reminding me what I am or am not supposed to think about. It's probably a good thing. I have a feeling that if I really try to figure out who I am in the future, I'm not going to like who I see.

It scares me, marriage. But it excites me at the same time. Well as for now, let live and breathe life. Aah .. the scent of life, how much more agreeable, laughing, praying, celestial and delicious it is. Nothing is more memorable, for life can be unexpected, momentary and fleeting, yet conjure up a childhood summer beside a lake in the mountains.

rock your ugly!

Are you brave enough to rock your ugly -- and to prove that different is beautiful? Labels may enhance your outlook, BUT hey Kiddo! it definitely does not beautify your personality. I'm the working adult here, and I know how hard money comes by. I admit I splurge on labels too, but occasionally.

Well babygirl, my lips are sealed, but let's just say "ugly" has ALWAYS been so beautiful. A piece of advice, be true to yourself, and you'll find life much more meaningful and worthwhile (:

quirky + different = beautiful!

rock MY ugly!

dark alley.

He tells you that you'll never be good enough or that you'll never amount to anything. He calls you names, criticizes your body or says that you're stupid. And he makes you question yourself and your value. Sound familiar? If these words, actions or circumstances are coming from the man you love -- whether he's your boyfriend, your father or another man in your life -- you may be the victim of emotional abuse.
Unlike physical or sexual abuse, there are no scars or physically painful acts that you can point to as harmful. But emotional abuse is just as painful, scarring and damaging to your self-esteem -- and you, in all your amazingness, deserve sooo much better.

Unfortunately, emotionally abusive relationships can leave you feeling powerless, even believing that he's right when he says you're not a valuable, good person.
But the most important thing you can do is realize your worth -- allow yourself the right to live in an environment where your worth is acknowledged and respected. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

And deciding that you don't deserve this kind of relationship is the hardest part, believe me. But once you do decide to recognize your fabulousness and get help, just know that there IS support.

That step will be all the more easy if you reach out for help and support. True friends will always be there when you need them.

dang it!

I know its been awhile since I last updated this blog. Hell, I've been too busy what not with work! Blearghh -_-
I love my job, I really do. I guess its just the pressure (and the bitchyness of the office environment) that's putting me down. Excitement touched with a mingling sadness. How utterly perplexing!
Anyhoos! On a happier note, I should be looking forward to this weekend (: 4 days OFF!! Parties and girlfriends meet up coming up (:

X

To God-bless-your-pitiful-life,

I'm not like you. I won't bother being one of you. I'd question my sanity if I do. With enough noise/bickering production to attract people's attention in that infamously annoying way. Betcha didn't know that, looking at how truly PLASTIC you actually are.

The difference between me and you?

I'm not power hungry. Neither do I need to gain cheap popularity. It's skanks like you that concretes people's stereotypes about 'Malays with Power'.

You're itching to pick on me? Say it to my face. Not when my back's turned.

Then you'll get your fight.

Biatch.

amor'

Droplets of tear-shaped diamonds fall from the sky.
A benign smile gracefully offered to parched lands.
A beautiful sight for the eyes and senses to behold.
Yet the heart does not partake the same luxury.
Sorrowful consciousness resides in the heart.
Of hopes longed to be fulfilled.
Of words longed to be made good of.
Yet the adamant heart refuses to yield.
To admit the grave fact that illusions exists.
The mind tells the heart to desist.
The heart rejects the pleas.
It believes love is the answer.
Love hurts, love heals.
The skies, my eyes.
The rain, my tears.
The sorrow and hurt my love.
The heals and hopes, my heart.