lairyfights & tairyfales

"You were my constant connection, of that little girl and fairy lights"

Is it possible to have such an intense connection with someone? Without words,without warning and with absolutely no rationale. A connection so deep that it completely threw me off my present phase and spiraling down a whole new different road. A path that I would never even think of actually surpassing.

understatement.

Things about the irony of life makes you ponder incessantly over funny quirks thrown your way, adding zest and vibrancy to your existence.

Oh, hello bad old flame :)

the forgotten soul.

Honestly, I'm so sick of

Thinking about tomorrow.

Thinking about next week.

Thinking about next month.

Thinking about next year.

Thinking about 3 years down the road.

Thinking about 5 years down the road.

It's like I've been programmed to perpetually think.

And then I think about what's gonna happen if I did this and what's gonna happen if I do that.

Gone are the days where you can just sit pretty and watch your life idly pass you by. Living day by day without a care in the world. Without the frivolity of life that will eventually breeze in. Not lifting a finger to take up choices you want to make because the power of choice was not yours to relinquish. To obediently acquiesce to do what is bidded of you without question or rebellion. Secrets were as rare as a rose in winter and could be safely encased within your breastbone, escaping the notice of others with success. Dreams could be dreamt without any thought of the journey itself, with eyes narrowed and focused only at the destination.

And then, life happens. It doesn't merely happen, it hits you in the face when you least expect it.

You can't afford to be idle in your life anymore. There's no need for questions or rebellion any longer, the power of choice has been abdicated to you. You're brutally pushed on stage with the bright lights flashing crazily in your eyes, forcing you to make decisions at the drop of the hat. Even with the luxury of having time on your hands to think things over, it doesn't neccessarily entail a well made decision. Whether good or bad, you still have no choice but to bear the brunt of the consequences . More woe to you if it was a bad choice. The older you grow, the more secrets you keep with you. The more people you meet, the more secrets gets passed down to you, ensuring safe keeping in the recesses of your heart. That space keeps keeps filling up without reprieve, untill you realise that there's no space left for your own secrets.

When you transcend into the realm of adulthood, you realise that the journey you take to reach your destination holds a degree of importance as well. When choice has been behested upon you, that single road splits into so many other winding roads. Some longer that the rest, with as much detours thrown in as possible. Some doesn't end at your intended destination. Some stops halfway or leads you to another destination entirely.

Choosing that right path meant that you're loading your dreams onto a ship. Once the ship sets sail, your dreams are totally at the mercy of the winds and the waters. It can sail to the vast nothingness of the sea. One can get lost in vastness. Once you're much older, and people ask you about certain dreams you have never achieved, you can trully say "that ship, my friend, has sailed."

Whenever you're making decisions, you tread dangerous waters with light and careful feet, keeping far away from the edges, lest you fall into the realm of the unknown. If you're the type who loathes being caught off-guard or despises not knowing where where you're going, this would probably make you feel like you're trying to make a deal with Hades.

Changes happen. That constant in life, change.

So you look down at the soiled tissue you're holding and feel your damp cheeks, asking yourself what the hell happened.

You can run, but you can never escape reality.

It's such a tantalizing yet fervent wish, to crawl back into the cacoon of safety and oblivion. Of those days that are gone.

I'm effing close to snapping.

luck, no?

***
the most decisive actions of our life -- I mean those that are most likely to decide the whole course of our future -- are, more often than not, unconsidered.

like every girls, I dream of rainbows and butterflies ..
then I got farking sick of it.

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen
the friendship of those who are throughout
persuaded of each others worth.

I'm not alone.

I'm finally beginning to have faith again.
Faith in Him and faith in myself.
It's the only way I can push myself back on the right path and move forward.
So I won't be stuck in this vicious downward spiral no more.

believe while others are doubting.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." Eleanor Roosevelt

It's always "jump first, think later" for me. And it has landed me in shit-loads of trouble.

But I've gotten myself into the biggest and most magnificent scrape I could ever get myself into. Once found out, I'm mentally preparing myself for all outcomes imaginable, like being disowned or some things like that.

But I don't regret it. Dear God (this would sound like a most vile blasphemy, due to the nature of the scrape I'm in), I will never regret it. I was of sound mind when I got it, was not influenced by anyone, knew what I was getting myself into and acknowledge to bear the consequences when wind catches of this infamy.

Doing this for myself broke a dreary lull in life, the lack of spontaneity, the lack of bright blotches of color, the lack of a foray of spices to light up an otherwise languid life.

And I hope that others who are dear to me do not censure me as well. It will break my heart.

"So if you have a dream then just believe that you can achieve it no matter what. Even when you can't feel deep in your heart any words of encouragement, just believe in your dream and your heart will finally show you the way."
Shuchi Gupta, from Believe in Your Dreams and Yourself!

thankyou forgivingme faith.

Ultimately, throughout our life, we become either our own worst enemy or our own very best friend. This love or hate relationship is quietly inside each of us. This relationship with ourselves is affecting everything that we do, every thought we have and choice of actions we take, or don't take, daily. It is greatly linked to how we treat and love others in our life. This relationship with ourselves is always against our self progression or it is for it.

So which one am I becoming?

that all is well;

.. that all is well. All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should.
You are stronger than you think you are. Don't forget that.

babypushpa : 9february10

desperate treachery.

I've always said that in politics, your enemies can't hurt you, but your friends will kill you.
(Ann Richards)

There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity.

(Samuel Johnson)

After going through several setbacks and challenges these past few years, I have learnt to choose my friends carefully. I have chosen the option of integrity instead of quantity. On the contrary, I used to have a large group of friends and acquaintances, online and in person. It was a carefree chapter of my life. I didn't know being friendly and having many connections would jeopardise my own well-being. Maybe what they say is true; as you grow older, you become wiser.

I quote myself: Trust is like a Wonder of the world. Most of the time, it takes years to build. A sturdy foundation is the best defence when facing disasters. Alas, a catastrophe may occur to demolish even the strongest of towers. This, speak through experience. - Amalia Suhaimi

NOTE: (If you agree with me and would like to use this in your blog or wherever, please credit me. My words come from my very own imagination. Do not seek to republish unless willing to regard the creative rights of others. Thanks.)

It doesn't matter if I don't have as many connections as I had before. I won't frown. It's a celebration for the people who've seen me at my worst. Those who had my back through the hardest part of my life. They are the ones that really matter. Future connections would be sincerely accepted if greatly deserved. It's not a matter of selfishness but a moral condition. To myself, and to the ones who truly deserve my friendship. Here's to my loved ones. I thank you.

And as for some people, integrity in friendship is what they have yet to fully acquire.

Thank you for reading.

22.

HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY TO ME! :)

It has been a hectic week, but despite the shytes, I enjoyed my birthday time well spent with my family and loved ones.

whydowegetmarried?

If I was asked to describe the perfect vacation, it would be one spent with family and my loved ones. All the other attractions a vacation can offer pale in comparison to uninterrupted time with them.

Some friends of mine believe the perfect vacation is one spent pampered in a luxurious hotel with breathtaking scenery and a heated pool.

When you envision the ‘perfect vacation’ what does your imagination conjure? A luxurious hotel? Delicious food? Entertaining people? Interesting sites? The right weather? Beautiful scenery? The right entertainment? Some of the above? All of the above? An eclectic mixture of all the things mentioned?

Marriage is much like that vacation people dream (or myself, rather perhaps) will take one day, and just like people seek different components to create that perfect vacation, people look for different things in their marriage.

Why do we get married? What does marriage have to offer? How many of the things that marriage has to offer do we recognize and appreciate - especially if they are not part of our dream?

Communication, intimacy and companionship are three of the big draws to a permanent relationship? Money?

Lets put it this way.
A good marriage is the possibility of getting that dream vacation with all its components. Just as it takes a concerted effort to put the dream vacation together, it takes work to bring a marriage to their full potential.

Its never easy or ever will be, I see. But I guess it takes MUCH emotional, spiritual and mental strength (and a tad of physical too?) to slick your way through the many bumpy rides one can encounter.

If only we understood the benefits of marriage, what it can accomplish for us and how it can help us become a better and more wholesome human being the question of ‘why marry’ wouldn’t exist.

jyeay.

simpilcity. NOT!

Okay I have come to dust off the inch-thick layer of dust and a smattering of spiderwebs decorated artistically about this blog. NOT.

Don't you just wish that you could stop time? Not to enjoy the stillness of time but to figure out your journey in life. Where you want to go, what you want to do and how you go about figuring all that out.

Sometimes it feels like everything else around me is spinning out of control. Everything is moving, except for me. It's like I'm standing by and looking and not doing anything. You wish to run with them but you could never catch up. You wish to walk side by side, but you never could measure up. You wish to follow in their footsteps but the shoes were too big for you to fill in. You wish to shout out to them to wait for you, but no one hears. Everyone is marching to their own rhythm in life, whereas yours is just silence.

You tried running but it didn't get you anywhere. You tried swimming but you almost drowned. You tried flying but you couldn't even get off your feet.

Ok, STOP!

I update this thing so sporadically now it's almost retarded.

ps: But of course, there are things to be gained from the shit that has happened.

Serenity, Now

Like so many other things, it started out innocent. But there was the scorching hot chemistry that was dangerously at its boiling point. And like they say, when all hell breaks lose, take cover. Or in this case, give in.

It went from simple innocence, to an all out rampage. For all those moments we've struggled to not give in to our desires, was finally allowed to break free. The initial struggling broke down the inaugural defenses. Which then spiraled into the almost desperate temptations that were pulsating from every vein and every nerve.

Due to the initial hindrance , it became an intense, desperate, almost dying attempt at salvation. To which was succumbed to. Finally.

I believe that 2010 is going to be a good year. *Cross my fingers and hope not to jinx it*. Seeing the stuff that are happening and about to happen, I believe this will really be a good year. The clean slate is finally here. I will make full use of it to right my wrongs. And probably for those who've wronged me to make it right again. But I won't give in this time, because some people don't deserve 2nd chances. Because some people don't deserve me. And this is exactly why 2010 is and will be a blessed year.

A word of advice, that feel good emotion, won't really last long if it's not based on reality. Because fleeting hopes never get anywhere, they just float around aimlessly, waiting for something real to happen. But no one should wait for something real to happen. You owe it to yourself to make it happen. Not for anyone else but yourself.

People are losing wisdom because there's this disconnect between the clever, clever brain and the human heart. So what are you doing to connect the two?

xoxo