A Good Mourning.

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we've done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.

The dictionary defines grief as keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. As surgeons, as scientists, we're taught to learn from and rely on books, on definitions, on definitives. But in life, strict definitions rarely apply. In life, grief can look like a lot of things that bear little resemblance to sharp sorrow.

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.

That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it.

The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

Grief doesn't necessarily be the mourning of a death. It can be the mourning the loss of a relationship, a friendship, a dream, or yourself. As long as its a loss, there will be grief and there will be mourning. Sometimes, the 5 stages of grief doesn't come immediately. Sometimes it takes a while to take effect on you. Sometimes grief can last a long long time, depending on the situation. Sometimes, we just never get out of it.

How do you stop grieving over the loss of yourself? Do you ever stop mourning? Do you ever get over it? How do you finally accept it? Do you have to accept it?

I realize I'm still mourning over alot of things. And finally, blessedly, it's come to the acceptance stage. Things will be better, I just know it.

Happy Monday People.