Honestly, I'm so sick of
Thinking about tomorrow.
Thinking about next week.
Thinking about next month.
Thinking about next year.
Thinking about 3 years down the road.
Thinking about 5 years down the road.
It's like I've been programmed to perpetually think.
And then I think about what's gonna happen if I did this and what's gonna happen if I do that.
Gone are the days where you can just sit pretty and watch your life idly pass you by. Living day by day without a care in the world. Without the frivolity of life that will eventually breeze in. Not lifting a finger to take up choices you want to make because the power of choice was not yours to relinquish. To obediently acquiesce to do what is bidded of you without question or rebellion. Secrets were as rare as a rose in winter and could be safely encased within your breastbone, escaping the notice of others with success. Dreams could be dreamt without any thought of the journey itself, with eyes narrowed and focused only at the destination.
And then, life happens. It doesn't merely happen, it hits you in the face when you least expect it.
You can't afford to be idle in your life anymore. There's no need for questions or rebellion any longer, the power of choice has been abdicated to you. You're brutally pushed on stage with the bright lights flashing crazily in your eyes, forcing you to make decisions at the drop of the hat. Even with the luxury of having time on your hands to think things over, it doesn't neccessarily entail a well made decision. Whether good or bad, you still have no choice but to bear the brunt of the consequences . More woe to you if it was a bad choice. The older you grow, the more secrets you keep with you. The more people you meet, the more secrets gets passed down to you, ensuring safe keeping in the recesses of your heart. That space keeps keeps filling up without reprieve, untill you realise that there's no space left for your own secrets.
When you transcend into the realm of adulthood, you realise that the journey you take to reach your destination holds a degree of importance as well. When choice has been behested upon you, that single road splits into so many other winding roads. Some longer that the rest, with as much detours thrown in as possible. Some doesn't end at your intended destination. Some stops halfway or leads you to another destination entirely.
Choosing that right path meant that you're loading your dreams onto a ship. Once the ship sets sail, your dreams are totally at the mercy of the winds and the waters. It can sail to the vast nothingness of the sea. One can get lost in vastness. Once you're much older, and people ask you about certain dreams you have never achieved, you can trully say "that ship, my friend, has sailed."
Whenever you're making decisions, you tread dangerous waters with light and careful feet, keeping far away from the edges, lest you fall into the realm of the unknown. If you're the type who loathes being caught off-guard or despises not knowing where where you're going, this would probably make you feel like you're trying to make a deal with Hades.
Changes happen. That constant in life, change.
So you look down at the soiled tissue you're holding and feel your damp cheeks, asking yourself what the hell happened.
You can run, but you can never escape reality.
It's such a tantalizing yet fervent wish, to crawl back into the cacoon of safety and oblivion. Of those days that are gone.
I'm effing close to snapping.
