tango with you .

If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for

Every girl needs a man; the kind that will treat you right as well as others; the kind that has enough respect for himself, family, and others; the one that will change for you to just be with you. The kind that searches for you with his heart, the kind that can be trusted alone with a room full of many other beautiful ladies, the kind that won’t cheat on you cause he knows he’s got all he wants and needs already, the kind that’s willing to be your friend and lover, the kind that doesn’t mind calling early in the morning to say good morning and late at night to say good night; maybe even sing you a good morning and tell you a good night story or talk to you until you fall asleep.

The kind that will do anything for you, even if it’s just to buy your favorite kind of candy. The kind that will defend and fight for you, the kind that won’t ditch you for his friends when you need him the most, the kind that won’t leave you lonely and wondering. The kind that isn’t afraid to smile to his friends every time you’re around and tell them, “She’s the one.” The kind that appreciates you for the things to do for him, even if they’re small gestures. The kind that actually thanks you for the little love notes you leave him, the kind that is willing to wait for you when you’re falling behind, the kind that will actually open the door for you, take you out on dates once in a while and buy you flowers cause it’s a Wednesday. The kind that notices your hair when you just got it cut or done beautifully for him, the kind that reminds you that he loves you and that he’s happy with you in case you forget.

The kind that kisses your forehead when you’re down, the kind that tells you to be strong and not to cry, the kind that will go through think and thin with, and for you, the kind that just loves you for who you are.

That kind of man, that’s the kind you keep.

pronto.

You're just like a bruise, it hurts and leaves a mark.

I'm resisting the urge to sulk. I'm just having a bout of down-time.

I'm just sick and tired of the pretend pursuit. I never thought my judgment of someone's character could be so off the charts. My erring judgment clouded my reasoning skills. I thought I knew you, seems like you proved me wrong. No wait .. I guess I proved you wrong.

I wish I could have someone console me the way it seems so easy to console a 5 year old who's crying. I wish you could console me and tell me everything's going to be alright and hug me tight. I wish it was really that easy to make me happier.

When deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive. Forgiveness does not change the past. But it does enlarge the future.

Hence, will you forgive me?

hold on to this.

I shouldn't look back anymore.

According to Meredith Grey, "The Unexpected is what changes our lives forever".

This is particularly true, to myself anyways. You can't always expect everything to go according to plan, and usually when things don't go according to plan, it goes wrong. But what if that wrong thing happens to be the right thing? The thing that you just need, right at the wrong time. That's when it changes your life forever. I plan to try my best to stop all my unhealthy and harmful addictions because it no longer gives me pleasure or happiness. In fact, it's hindering my happiness and preventing me from finding what I really need. So here's to change. The Unexpected Change.

I badly need the beach.

A Good Mourning.

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we've done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.

The dictionary defines grief as keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. As surgeons, as scientists, we're taught to learn from and rely on books, on definitions, on definitives. But in life, strict definitions rarely apply. In life, grief can look like a lot of things that bear little resemblance to sharp sorrow.

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.

That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it.

The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

Grief doesn't necessarily be the mourning of a death. It can be the mourning the loss of a relationship, a friendship, a dream, or yourself. As long as its a loss, there will be grief and there will be mourning. Sometimes, the 5 stages of grief doesn't come immediately. Sometimes it takes a while to take effect on you. Sometimes grief can last a long long time, depending on the situation. Sometimes, we just never get out of it.

How do you stop grieving over the loss of yourself? Do you ever stop mourning? Do you ever get over it? How do you finally accept it? Do you have to accept it?

I realize I'm still mourning over alot of things. And finally, blessedly, it's come to the acceptance stage. Things will be better, I just know it.

Happy Monday People.

a stumbling, cliche case ..

Where do we go from here?

How do we carry on?

I can't get beyond the questions ... Clambering for the scrapsin the shatter of us collapsed. It cuts me with every "could have been."

ps: ego is the beauty of us

seeing me pt2.

Today ..

It's time to take a larger view of my life and how my recent actions might have affected my path. I took a turn down a new road -- was it the right decision?

"Think about it and figure it out before I continue going any further".

I need to be more reflective about my actions, and add some more discipline into my life.
I'm tryna hold myself back from falling into temptations.

seeing me.

I have never been particularly immature, but lately I've been noticing a certain shift in myself. This change could really crystallize when I see myself behaving in an unfamiliar way in a familiar situation.
Maybe I'm calmer.
Maybe I don't take things as personally.
Maybe I stay objective.
Maybe I'm seeing what it's like to be an adult.